Th every single lil thing.

I always thought I was lucky. I thought. I fucking thought. I always thought they are understanding after what happened after N'levels. But, it doesent seems to. What's with the noise and all? Adults are really adults. I dont even understand why the hell are they wasting their time worrying for me when there's a bigger and much more serious one infront of them & they as parents know nuts about what's a 15 year old kid's thinking? I am so tempted to  go over to my mom's face and spill things out.

Just what the fuck is wrong with them now?

I cant help but always feel painful for lil bro. I get worried. I worry for him. I worry he mix with the wrong company. Doing the wrong things at the wrong time. I dont know. Fuck the bloody life. Even though we dont stay together, I think. and most of the time my imagination starts running wild. He dont always come to me and tell me what's happening with his life and all. I can only get to know by guessing through his Msn nicks. How saddening. People might sees him as a very rude person, I do not deny the fact too. Wait a minute. Have we tried putting ourseleves in his shoes? Were we ever once in his shoes, including myself? He may be very materialistic but sometimes I just hope that I already out of the schooling life and am out there working so that I can bring him out and shower him with a little love. I dont know how. How to express my love/care and concern.

To think back, for the past 19 years I have never shown him how much I dote on him. Never really was there for him. Never ever shower him with anything good. Always seen bickering, nothing else. Screaming at him. That's what I am good at. Only on days that we were all having fun and all, I was there. There to enjoy the fun and to fool around. I was never once there.

I hope you can open up your heart one day, and tell me how exactly are you feeling now. I hope I can bring you, us out of the situation, my dearest brother. I want you to know, I am always here.

Why is he being put through this?
Fuck this life.


Yes. I am getting myself all emotional once again.
I have so much fear in me , this and that. That and this.
I dont want to quarrel with them but I just have thoughts of leaving.
Being selfish, I know. I find no words which are able to express my thoughts anymore. I know, I am getting so affected when my problems are merely pea shits as compare to even much more worst scenario cases. Face the reality, I am a weakling.

It's funny how Love can turn hatred to love and love to hatred.
Love has always been a big word to me ever since ....

-----------------------


Why do I feel the gap when we are in big groups?
I dont seems to be myself, We dont seems to be close anymore.
This is definitely affecting me which I never wanted it.
What exactly is happening now?
The " feeling lost feeling" is back.
But, you have to know.. You are still my bestest friend.
The bond we took years to built, it's not going to die.. just like that.
Perharps I am just thinking abit way too much?


I dont know I dont know.
That's what the best that always comes out from me.
Seriously fucked up!

I should just quit crying at times. Seriously, it only shows how fucking useless I am and I really am. I have lost 1000 teardrops cause of some issues. Just felt so disappointed.

The feeling is sooooo bad. & I cant but to think that its actually quite redundant to cry over this. But no. It's issue overlapping issue and that is why I lost 1000 teardrops last night. I just put all tgt and cry like a motherfucker.  Can't recall when was the last time I cried so badly, alone. But it doesn't matter anymore,cause I think from today onwards, I'm going to fucking change my bloody mindset.

And I realised,I haven't been learning to trust anybody yet .Even me myself.

Anyway, thanks for being there, my bestfriend (:
Thanks for making me laugh.
Thanks for your advice.
Sorry I wasted 5 minutes of your telephone bill for crying. HAHAHAHA.
Xoxo.